I wish I could go back to college.

Today I'm listening to: "Keep Breathing" by Ingrid Michaelson

Ahhhhhhhhhh.........

That's me breathing.  Just now, listening to this song, I was reminded that I just need to take a deep breath and relax.  I can only do so much, and after that I just have to let things go.

I spent the last week in Parkland and Olympia, WA with my cousins and my sister.... one of the best weeks ever I think.  And when I arrived home to my apartment I felt so empty and alone I could barely stand it.... I try not to spend too much time missing people because most of the people I love so dearly live very far from me, and it would totally consume me to be sad about not being with them all the time.  However, for the last few days I have longed to be with my family so much it actually hurts my heart... I really really miss them.  Ouch.   But life is all about our individual journeys and THIS is my journey.  "This" of course being my life here in the desert, my nursing job at this hospital and in this field, the people I meet and the life I lead here.... it's all up to me to make it the best experience possible.

I loved being at PLU though, and getting to be around people my own age (I seriously miss that- it is a bigger difference than all of you might think) and live the "college life" for a week... it was GREAT fun :)  How nice to be able to walk everywhere you need to, and to have fun classes to go to like ceramics or any other type of elective that I never got to take in college but always wanted to... like women's studies.  or photography.  or french.  or world history.  If you have seen/ listened to the musical Avenue Q you might know the song "I wish I could go back to college."  This is definitely how I'm feeling right now.

Do not think that I have for one second forgotten how lucky I am to have this career that affords me the time and money to take fun trips like this one, along with my car and my own apartment.  I am fully aware that my choices put me on this path to be a fully self-sufficient and independent 22 year old woman, and this is a wonderful thing.  But I am allowed to miss college more than I thought I would, and I am allowed to feel very lonely here.  I am in a job that is life or death. Literally. every. day. And this stresses me the @&*$ out, to the point where I sometimes think I can't take it.  But I think that this is just the price I pay.  So I will resist the urge to throw in the towel (this is my first urge to give up in 4 whole months. pretty good I think.) and crawl under the covers or possibly board a plane and escape from it all.  Because this is, in many ways, what I wanted.  And I am, most of the time, pretty darn happy.

I had my first eval with my boss today and I think it went pretty well.  *whew*

This spring is shaping up to be pretty busy.... lots of people visiting and lots of things to do.... I'm finally getting internet at my apartment next week (right now I'm sitting at Debbie's stealing hers), and I caved and got cable too, which means I need to go buy a TV and probably a DVD player too... that will be weird since I've just been pretty much watching everything on Hulu (<3) for like the last year.

Okay.  Well, deep breath.  Positive attitude.  Motivation.  Happiness.  Healthy eating :)

love. m.